“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER V
CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS
Greetings and Recognitions
THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of the head, as one gentleman passes another, or from the quick touching of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of European ceremonial courtesy.
The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.
The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon. It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and usually nobody is deceived.
The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much preferable upon the street or in public places.
A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting, which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different, however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion admit of the formality.
A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow. She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of such a meeting.
The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.
The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much, but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it, apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial courtesy.
The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more flagrant social abuses.
It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.
When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So, also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.
When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common acceptance among Americans.
When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat. It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom he or a person accompanying him has been talking.
It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarrassment to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.
When passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.
In passing or repassing on the street or promenade, a single bow is sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance several times.
A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with the same cordiality as with the friend.
A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.
Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.
When a man passes a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel, in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.
This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman, does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.
An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life, which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.
Introductions
The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr. Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs. Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."
When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is, "Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr. Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each name and smiles as she greets each in turn.
Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its definiteness.
The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I am very glad to meet you."
If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."
Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be speedily passed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned from even a casual meeting.
It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction, and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his favor.
Persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted. The exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof, while they are there.
Introductions should never be indiscriminately made. There should be willingness, if not eagerness, on the part of both to meet. A hostess is, however, warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be congenial, or if they have before expressed a desire to become acquainted. If any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be received by either, they should not be introduced.
One should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same town but move in different social circles, unless each had desired the introduction.
If there is a difference of station or age, then it is necessary only to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction would be acceptable. This should be done quietly, and quite out of hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned.
A gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady whom he wishes to meet. Unless there is no possible objection, the mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made sure that the lady is willing.
It is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately, nor should ladies be so introduced. One wishes to keep the boundaries of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits, and choice is easier made before acquaintance than after. So, one shows great care in offering introductions to others, and exercises the same care for one's self.
If a hostess and her guest are out walking together, the hostess would introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak with her, and the guest, should she meet acquaintances of her own, would introduce each of them to her hostess. This is practically the only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form, and here the obligations of hospitality safeguard it.
A lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced to her, but a bow, a smile, and a repetition of the name are all that is necessary where several introductions are being made, as at a large reception or dancing party.
A gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being introduced.
An elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect propriety.
If, while walking out with a friend, you meet another, do not introduce the two. A transient meeting is of no particular moment to them, and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance. If, however, you meet at some public place, and are detained there together for several minutes, then the introduction should be given.
When meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance, friends may introduce friends, but it is preferable to leave the introductions to the hostess.
It is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at a party. Introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may dictate. This abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions relieves two very embarrassing situations,--that of being introduced by announcement to a whole roomful of people, and that of being taken around and introduced to them singly.
A mother may present her son, or a sister her brother, or a wife her husband, if she so desires, without any question as to the propriety of it. A man should not, on the other hand, introduce another man to his wife, or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his mother or sister, unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but be agreeable to the lady, and unless it meets with his own approval. For it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against undesirable acquaintances.
A woman, in introducing her husband, gives him his title, if he has one, as "Judge Hartwell," "Doctor Foley." The wife of the President of the United States speaks of him only as "The President," and in presenting people to him, he is always addressed as "Mr. President," with the invariable omission of his surname.
A friend or acquaintance, no matter how distinguished, is always presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative, where the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing, in the mind of the introducer, than any of reputation or position.
A young man should be introduced to an older man, a young woman to an older woman.
A man is always presented to a woman, never the reverse.
If a lady is seated and a man is presented to her, she need not rise. If two ladies, both seated, are introduced to each other, they should rise, unless one is old or an invalid, in which case both remain seated. Two gentlemen, though both are seated, rise and shake hands when introduced.
A young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced.
Introductions are not made at table. The guests at a dinner party should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming to the table, and if that is impossible, as many should be introduced as may be, especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite each other. If one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met, the man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes his seat, to which the lady responds always cordially, keeping up more or less of a conversation during the dinner.
At dancing parties all those who are giving the party, as well as all the ushers and those who receive, make introductions as general as possible, so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the evening.
An introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part of the man to ask the woman for a dance, and on her part to grant his request unless her card is full.
When traveling great care should be taken as to introductions.
As a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his host or hostess may introduce, even though it be an enemy. The obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this matter. They demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every one.
Calls
Calls must be made in person, rather than by card left by messenger or post, after an invitation to dinner, luncheon, supper, or similar function, and that within a week or, at farthest, two weeks of the date of the affair. One should also call in person within two weeks of any entertainment to which one has been asked, especially if one has attended.
One need repay formal calls, where no invitation to any social occasion has been received, only once a year. Even in this case, cards may be sent by mail. In the country it is usual to go in person, though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home.
Calls should be made upon the "At Home" day, if one is engraved upon the card. If a person is ill, a near relative, or intimate friend, may leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished to call.
Society holds young people who are free to attend parties and entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls. Young mothers, professional women, students, invalids, and semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules. If a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself, she must call afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation.
If a mother cannot call in person, her daughter or some one else may pay the necessary calls in her stead. Or she may invite the people whom she would otherwise call on, to an afternoon tea, which is more of a compliment than a call.
In calling at a house, should the door be opened by a member of the family, the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman, but steps in, asking for the person whom she wants to see. She may leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out.
If a maid opens the door, the card is handed to her and received on a small tray. No well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a visiting card.
If a caller wishes to be very formal, she leaves a card for every lady in the family on whom she wishes to call.
In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card with her own, and she usually does this also when making a call at the close of the season.
An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card. If the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest, a card may be left for each.
A lady always rises to receive a visitor.
It takes good judgment to know when to go, but it should be cultivated and practised. Lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness, to one's hostess if not to one's self.
After a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a month old.
After a death the friends of the family should call in person inside of a month. The members of the family do not receive them, however, unless they wish to do so.
Social Calls of Men
A man never carries or leaves the cards of other men, nor can he leave cards for any of the women of his family.
A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card tray, on entering the house, a card for his hostess and one for his host. The card for his host must be left, even if that gentleman does not appear in the drawing-room, provided the caller is acquainted with him, and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality recently received.
If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house, and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards.
The man who is making his first or last call for the season on the regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each of the ladies, and each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim.
When a man calls on a lady's day at home, and his call has no reference to any social debts, he leaves only one card in the tray. If he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid, he leaves no card at all.
A man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him, or some member of her family does, or he goes with a mutual friend who has made sure of his welcome. A woman may say to a man, "Mother and I are usually at home Fridays, and would like to have you call," or some other form of invitation which denotes cordiality.
A man who desires to call in particular upon one lady, in a family where there are several, hands his card to the servant with the words, "Please give this to Miss Curley, and I would like to see all the other ladies also." The ladies appear and greet him, withdrawing that he may call upon the one he especially wished to see.
If calling upon a guest in a home, you always ask for the hostess also.
A man retains his hat, gloves, and walking stick in hand during a formal call, though he may have left his overcoat in the hall.
First Calls
In America it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to call first upon newcomers. Washington is a well-known exception to this rule, as strangers there call first upon government officials and their families. In most European cities newcomers call first upon those already in residence. The residents, from the officials down, return their cards, and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations to social functions.
In practice the resident does not usually know anything about the stranger, and may not have even heard of her arrival. Sometimes the newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month, to those with whom she would like to become acquainted. If she can enclose the card of a mutual friend, as a silent voucher for her social standing, her position is more quickly and more surely granted her.
Clergymen and their families, brides, and persons of note are entitled to receive first calls. The older residents of the community are expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers.
First calls should be promptly returned, within a week at the very latest.
A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance.
2011 © Church Growth Associates, Inc.
